Hillary’s pneumonia, imagined

H, to Aide: “I feel shitty. Cancel that thing in the morning and get me in to see Dr. Y. Better yet, have her come over in the morning.”
Aide: “Got it.”
Aide, on phone to doc (doc always takes aide’s calls): “Can you see H tomorrow at 9? 9:30 would work, too. No, at the house. Great. Thanks.”

(next day)
Doc to H: “You have pneumonia. I’ll give you some Rexofix but you really need to take it easy for several days.” (hands scrip to H)
H: “Give it to Aide. And that’s a good one. We’re wheels up for Pittsburgh at noon. Can’t keep the steel guys waiting.”
Doc: “Rest is key.”
H (shuffling into bedroom, coughing): “Thanks.”
Aide, to doc: “I’ll try to get her to slow down.”
Doc: “I know. I know.”
Aide shows doc to door. “Thanks for coming. Oh, and would you mind going out the kitchen door? Through there. Right. Bye!”
H shuffles back into living room, still coughing. “Do you have the medicine yet?”
Aide: “He just left!”
H: “And?”
Aide: “I’m going now.”
(One hour later)
Aide answers phone. Caller ID shows *senior staffer.* “Hey.”
*Senior staffer*: “Is H sick?”
Aide: “Uh, what do you mean?”
*Senior staffer*: “What the fuck do you mean, what do I mean? Is she fucking sick?”
Aide: “Uh, why do you ask?”
*Senior staffer*: “Because the Washington-fucking-Post just asked me if she’s fucking sick because they fucking heard Dr. Y just stepped out of a fucking kitchen door in H’s house. That’s why I ask.”
Aide: “Uh, hang on a minute.” (taps “mute”) Knocks on bedroom door.
(From bedroom): “Hnnmgmg?”
Aide: “*Senior staffer* is on the phone…asking if you’re OK. Somebody apparently saw the doctor leaving here.”
H: “Goddamn it.” (shuffles out of bedroom)
Aide hands cellphone to H.
H: “Yes. Yes. It’s just a little pneumonia. It’s fine. I’m fine. Take a chill pill.” (rolls eyes and makes whack-off motion with hand while listening to *senior staffer*) “OK, I guess so. OK, I’ll let you know next time. OK, OK.” (hangs up, hands phone back to aide)
Aide: “So I should let *senior staffer* know about stuff like this?”
H: “Fuck no. And tell the steel guys I’m gonna be late.”

(This was, as the title suggests, pure fantasy. How in the world would I know what goes on when politicians get sick?)

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